Dec 21, 2010
Is Going to College a Crime?
A girl looking for a shidduch asks: Why is it that if one doesn't follow the exact 'system', they are considered a 'bum'?
I am an avid reader of COLlive.com and I think it is a great way for people in the community to communicate with each other. The following is a simple letter of a girl's confusion in this dark world.
So I will start from here:
I am your typical Crown Heights girl who did well in school both academically and behaviorally.
I went to a top seminary and can more or less say went through the whole system. SYSTEM. Now that's where my problem comes in.
Everyone needs to follow the same exact system and make sure that they fit into the perfect mold.
When I came back home from seminary, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life but like everyone else I looked for a job.
Now, what can a Lubavitch girl who has no experience do? That's right! A teacher or an assistant.
So every year there are 400 girls looking to be teachers…
In any case I used that year to do some self searching. I figured out that I don't want to be work in the education field.
I guess I'm just not built for that.
It took me a while until I figured out what I want to learn but that is where my problem came in.
The field that I was interested in was only offered in a non- Jewish college. I totally understand that the Rebbe is against college and that girls shouldn't go to college. But Tachlis, the boys don't have the proper tools to get a good job. You cannot just say "Oh, you need to rely on Hashem". True, we need to rely on Hashem but we need to do our part! I can't just be a teacher and make a low salary and be expected at the same time to cover all of the expenses that comes along with being a Frum Jew! Where is the logic?? That is why so many families in Crown Heights are in debt! I'm sure this isn't the best solution and some of you will still say "The Rebbe knows and still said it". Ok, but I'm not a tzaddekes yet and this is how I feel.
In addition, I also used that year to figure out who am I and what type of person I see myself marrying.
According to me there are three levels for boys and for girls:
1. Very Chassidish:
Girls: I would characterize them as the ones who learn Sichos during the week, say Chitas and Rambam every day, want to go on Shlichus, aren't into anything that doesn't involve the Torah, Rebbe or Chassidus.
Boys: I would characterize them as the ones who sit in 770 and learn all day, only listen to niggunim, white shirt and black hat… are pretty much thinking ‘learning' all day (which is amazing).
2. Regular Chassidish:
Girls: I would characterize them as the ones who daven every day, listen to music other than niggunim (Mattisyahu…) think other things than learning… (Like touring, having fun, news, shopping…)
Boys: I would characterize them as the ones who go to Mikvah, daven in a minyan three times a day, set aside time to learn, walk around most of the time with a jacket, not necessarily with a white shirt, plans on working in the future and are more open-minded.
I would characterize them as the ones who walk around with flip flops in the summer, the men touch their beard, want a TV in the house and so forth.
I have been told by many people that these levels don't exist. There is either level 1 or level 3. There is no middle level. It's impossible.
Is there really no middle level? Are girls like me just supposed to settle for someone higher than them or lower than them?
Why can't there be a middle level? Why can't the mold be flexible?
There are many different types of people out there in the world and they cannot all fit into the same mold.
My question is:
1. Are there really no middle boys out there?
2. Why is it that if one doesn't follow the exact system that the world is following, they are considered a bum (even though they have never gone off the Derech)?
3. Why is it so bad to go and learn and bring home a respectable paycheck so that I don't have to be struggling in debt when it's time to pay for sky high tuition prices, rent and all that comes in the package to be a Frum Jew.
To some of you it might sound like a girl who is just miserable in life and wants to complain her life away.
It's your right to think like that.
My purpose in writing this letter is so that I can find out if there are other people like me who feel trapped and to get advice / encouragement from them.
Thank you for taking time to read this,
A girl who wants some answers