By COLlive reporter
“Kinderlach, open your eyes, it happens everywhere. It does not matter what color your blood is or your if father talks with a Neveler accent or your grandfather was born in Kremenchuk or Connecticut.”
This is part of what Mrs. Miryam Swerdlov, a known educator in Crown Heights, intends to say Thursday night at a lecture about preventing and dealing with child abuse.
In an interview with COLlive.com ahead of the lecture, she said that “you have no idea what an epidemic this is. It’s a lot more rampant than people can understand.”
People like the noted psychiatrist and the author Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski have often warned that “child abuse is a most serious offense, and can have long range effects on a child.”
But Swerdlov, a teacher at Bais Rivkah High School, admits that “the frum community is on this issue where medicine was 50 years ago. The situation today is that everybody knows but are ashamed to discuss or deal with it.”
The “evening of education, guidance and support for parents and educators on preventing and dealing with child abuse” will be held Thursday, December 16, 2010, at 8:00 PM at Bais Rivkah School on 310 Crown Street.
In addition to Swerdlov, Dr. David Pelcovitz, Professor of Psychology and Education at Yeshiva University and Rabbi Levi Kaplan, Director of Jewish Technical Vocational School in Brooklyn, will be speaking.
Asked about the timing of the event, Swerdlov said any occasion is a good occasion to battle the issue.
“Did it happen 50 years ago? Yes. What did we do about it? Put it under the rug. But we saw what it did to our children – you don’t know how many ‘tzarois’ are caused because of it. I say, our kids are not allowed to suffer anymore.”
She mentions recent stories that made the news, such as a rabbi in Midwood who molested his daughter and others with his son, and other horror stories that shocked the community.
Swerdlov says, “Most of these cases are initiated by people we are most close with and feel comfortable around. We must tell our children that certain things are not acceptable even if it’s just your uncle Dovid, you cousin Shmil or even your friend Avi.”
* * * * * *
DATE: Thursday, December 16, 2010, 8:00 PM
LOCATION: Bais Rivkah school on 310 Crown Street
INFO: For men and women. Free admission
The real issue here is the fact that most Rebbis are completely unqualified to be teaching. They come from old school practices with no knowledge of current teaching practices. Verbal/physical abuse , a form used to control wild students are not the standard practice of teaching in todays day and age. Verbal damage is damage too! Rebbis still utilizing outdated practices with NO proper degree in education should NOT be a rebbi. Our community can not just be giving a guy a job because he needs one, if he does not qualify! One more thing about physical abuse:: its a… Read more »
Young boys who molest, bochrim who molest kids need treatment. The sooner those who care about them seek to help them, the more certain they will have normal, happy lives in their future. When it’s a mesivta bochur, or a child, it’ snot about punishing them. It’s about getting them the help they themselves desperately need (and no doubt WANT) in order that they don’t ruin their own chances for future happiness.
yay:) but the young molesters shud b helped and closely monitered- not put in jail- how wud that help- ull have more than a qurter of our youth sitting in jails ch:v
its about time
What would be the purpose of fingerprinting the principal and rebbeim in a school? Please tell us, what would happen to a mesivta bochur if he was reported to the police? What would happen to a 6th grader if he was reported to the police? Since I don’t think s- taking advantage is a disease, I don’t think talking in terms of a “cure” is useful. As Jews we believe that G-d doesn’t impose on us in a way that we cannot bear it (“ain HKBH ba b’trunya im briyosav”) and we CAN do His will and we CAN do… Read more »
To the parents that ask “which school has the molester?”: Every school should be suspect until parents band together and demand safety protocols. These should include, background checks and fingerprinting of all employees, mandatory reporting of allegations to the authorities, firing anybody guilty of abusing a child and no longer allowing the decades-old system of “silent resignations” that leads to the molester getting employment in another school. It is great that the Chabbad community is having this educational event, but it is not enough to educate parents and to educate children, the community needs to set a zero tolerance policy… Read more »
Why won’t anyone tell us which school has the molester ? Please I have little boys!!!!!!
our schools/yeshivos have little real effect on the students.The Chinuch is average, the teacher are mainly untrained albeit well meaning.
Our kids need to learn Torah which makes them thirst for more and to receive a general education which will allow them to enter coolege if they so desire.
Not every person will choose Shlichus or be suitable for Shlichus.
A person who goes to work and has a growing family needs training or hell be stuck on a boring job with a miserable salary, setting him and his family up for failure
Your response is about a “frum yid.” I wrote about a mesivta bachur. Go back and read it and then tell me that yes, you would unhesitatingly call the police and prosecute a mesivta bochur.
Then tell me whether you would call the police on an elementary school aged child, let’s say a sixth grader, an 11 year old who molests a younger child , for the purpose of sending this child to juvenile detention.
I saw Bronya’s son Yehuda there he did a video of the event I believe
#57 says “it is good to see so many survivors and relatives coming forward and sharing their experiences.” Why is it good that people anonymously post their experiences for anonymous people to read? Shouldn’t they be sharing their experiences with people who will help them and do something about it? By the way, did you notice that the flyer uses the term “child abuse” rather than “— molestation”? Why is that? The term “child abuse” applies to any abuse of a child such as physical abuse (beatings), emotional abuse (screaming), and physical abuse. If the program was about — abuse,… Read more »
You emphasize how tragic it would be to put a frum yid behind bars where they will ‘suffer’ at the hands of others. Everything you are describing for this ‘poor’ yid who is an abuser is what his victims suffer on a daily basis until he IS put behind bars. A victim is targeted daily to different extents and struggles to find faith and hold their frumkeit together, why should this abuser be free from his due punishment (according to law) to be able to live freely within the frum community?!?!?! Where is the fairness and justice in that? Instead… Read more »
can you please write an article from the event.
Melbourne is blessed to have Sheiny New run a taskforce dedicated to this issue. I think Dr Pelcowitz was brought out to Australia for some talks. Sheiny is trained, confidential and knows this subject VERY WELL. For you cities and people crying out for help, contact Sheiny New!
How can u compare disciplining a noisy, disruptive child and child abuse??? I understand verbal abuse degrades a child but child abuse is not in the same league.
as long as there is a yetzer hara, we will not be able to eradicate this awful behavior no matter how much info we have or how many people we know who do it. this knowledge is not enough protection. as a mother and shlucha of a large family with an open house and sending the children away young, this was a concern for me. i would like to share what we did since it turned out to be very effective for us. from a very young age they knew not to allow anyone to touch them inappropriately. they were… Read more »
How can we give the abused kids in our community a voice?
Where do they turn in this wretched, argumentative, dysfunctional community?
To which authority can they turn, be believed and immediately protected?
They cry to sleep each night, for years. Their blood is spilled, for years.
Some, their parents do not believe them.
Others, their parents abuse them.
Where are they to turn? How can we empower them?
anyone know if there was an audio of this event I missed it and wish i was there
This is the most worthy cause! Terrible abuse can and does happen, G-d forbid. Yasher koach for holding this event!
– A mother.
For anyone who ever needs, you should know that Bronya Shaffer is the most special woman I know. She literally gave me life by all she did for me. There are so many (countless) people who she has helped through so many things. I admire her bravery in bringing this problem to light so that we don’t continue to have this terrible thing happening to our children. May Hashem give you tremendous Koach Bronya to continue you incredible work. Hashem should bentch you with all the brochos in the world. You should have health, and wealth, happiness, nachas from your… Read more »
I am proud to be a graduate of the school – Bais Rivka – that is helping so many of our children in ways that will affect their entire lives.
GO BAIS RIVKA
The conversation here is a really great start, it is good to see so many survivors and relatives coming forward and sharing their experiences.
If anybody else was effected by child abuse please share your story with us.
According to extensive studies if a child tells you they has been abused, 98 percent of the time they are telling the truth.
BELIEVE YOUR CHILD!!
You can really picture subjecting someone who looks like a Chassidishe bachur who was molested himself and then molests others, in jail with people who are likely to rape him and otherwise abuse him? You can really picture him sitting in jail along with murderers and rapists and remaining religiously observant? Maybe you can. Try picturing a bachur you know who is a teenager in mesivta exposed as a molestor. It’s easy to say jail him in a comment on a website and another matter entirely to report this bachur to the police and put him behind bars. I’m not… Read more »
Tell an adult- principal, teacher, or any other adult you trust so that they can take care of it- maybe your parents can help
YES! i want to see that 15 year old behind bars……..and yes i would like to see him get help as well. but just because you were abused does not mean you shouldn’t get punished…..
Children are vulnerable to molestors in sleepaway camp, yes, to teenaged counselors and staff members. There are stories that I know about camp molestors. Is anybody going to come out and say – don’t send your kids to camp? What do you expect a child aged 6-12 who does not come home at the end of the day to do if someone “starts up with him”? Write a postcard? Wait till Friday and call home and discuss it on the phone? What safeguards can be put in place? When it comes down to it, you are trusting your child to… Read more »
abusive can also be emotionally. Maybe she needs to get out more – not have her life surrounding her tense parents [if that indeed is the problem.
Mrs.Shaeffer was my kallah teacher and litrally saved me from being not able to be married. I am a survivor of childhood physical molestation. The molester was my uncle. When I told my parents they didn’t believe me and then I was banned from my grandmother’s house. I got engaged because I thought it would protect me but I had no idea how I would be a normal wife. My kallah teacher, may Hashem give her only happiness, is the one who heard my pain and put me on the path to my recovery! Don’t pretend this doesn’t happen! Please… Read more »
i did not understand ur comment!
I think my friend is depressed, how do i deal with it? She showed some signs that #8 said. Maybe shes being abbused by her parents? Her parents are very tense.
Those who say that molestors should be reported and jailed – do you say the same thing for teenaged molestors?
So if a 15 year old is a molestor (probably because he was molested), you want to see him behind bars?
Yes Bronya you are- because you are not afraid to stand up and tell the truth. Because you love your fellow jew enough to protect him from a lifetime of misery.Because you go out of your way – in a very quiet and dignified way – to help those who are suffering. If all we have to do is make a difference then By arranging this evening Bronya Shaffer has done her bit.
Hazak, Hazak Ve nitchazek.
If just one child is saved it is worth it!
Yes, it’s true, Bais Rivkah is not renting the shul, it’s making it possible for the event to take place there. The irony of all this is that Bais Rivkah gave the shul with the condition that they are NOT behind this event or even encouraging of it. Funny! But they deserve credit for allowing it to happen. The real credit goes to Mrs. Bronya Schaefffer as stated above. She singlehandly arranged this, with absolutely no encouragement from the Schools Princples whatsoever. In fact she was told they are opposed to it. So let’s give her around of applause. Her… Read more »
I happen to know that BR is not taking money for this event. they are not RENTING the shul, they are GIVING it because Bais Rivkah wants to help protect children. Education on the topic is the key to protecting children and Bais Rivkah is making that education possible tonight – at 310 Crown Street at 8 p.m., BE THERE PLEASE
Thank you Bais Rivkah for associating yourself with such a significant and prevalent issue. Thank you Mrs. Bronya Shaeffer, for once again, organizing such an important venue.
If you do not go to anything else- then do yourself a favour and go to this event. it might be – correction – it is, the single most important event that you can go to in order to protect your children. I say this as a survivor, as a mother, as a wife, and as a manager of a psychiatric rehabilitation organisation where sadly a lot of abused people end up coming to for help. Kudos to the organisers of this event – they are doing nothing less than saving lives. And finally – THANK YOU from the silent… Read more »
it is about time.
I am a relative of someone who went way off the derech from adolescence. This continued into adulthood and caused so much pain for this child’s person’s parents, siblings and even extended relatives. Instead of support from this child’s school and the community, the child and then adult was gossiped about and the parents were blamed for their parenting etc.. As an adult in therapy, this person has now recalled horrible physical abuse during adolescence. After many painful years of a destroyed life and therapy, this amazing individual has managed to put the pieces back together. Do we blame the… Read more »
i have very small children and i am petrified. i think that the community and people who have been victimized have to come out and tell us the abusers names!! who cares about their reputation, family or whatever. if everyone knows who they are it can be avoided and if they go to jail, who cares. a crime is a crime. why are people hiding it? who cares if it is somebody ‘important’ etc..this whole close minded way of thinking of protection the jewish name is wrong when pure innocent neshamos are at risk. this is that shtetl times where… Read more »
OK, Bais Rivkah is ready and willing to open this discussion. Where, where, where are the other schools??? Where is Oholei Torah and where is Lubavitch Yeshiva?? Where is Bnos Menachem and Bais Chaya Mushka? And most of all where is that infamous Vaad of Principles of Crown Heights to ensure that NO mosad in our community harbors a child molester??? Can anyone answer that?????
I am from Crown Heights, I still live there (This year i am away)
When i was 8 i was abused by a neighbor very often…
This does happen in our community.
Its a fact.
BH, The community is going to start to address it.
It takes backbone to realize that this subject is not to be shoved under teh carpet. To allow your school to be associated with this organization. Kol Hakovod to you. The people running the school use precision and care in all their decisions– which is why they create teh confidence they do in their girls.
MOSHIACH NOW!
As a parent you must tell your children from the earliest ages what is inappropriate behavior towards them from an adult, repeat this to them often.
better a few unconformable moments then a lifetime of hell.
I agree that the teacher must come forward with the name(s) of anyone molesting or otherwise abusing children. However, how dare you hope that he will be punished by having his own child abused. No child deserves to be victimized, and no adult should ever pray for such a thing. Use your prayers instead to daven that this problem should be stopped and for a complete refuah for all victims.
It is painful to think that so many molestations could have been (could be) prevented by adults being adults, and doing the just and right things.
And it is mortifying to think that adults DON’T do the right things because they are putting their own comfort zones/reputations/etc. before the well-being of our children.
Every responsible adult should be there tonight to affirm their commitment to doing the right thing.
I was very pleased to see that Dr. Pelcovitz, a learned and articulate professional, will be speaking tonight on the often-neglected topic of child abuse in our community.
This is an issue that is much more prevalent than most people want to believe, and only a small number of speakers and community leaders have shown the courage to address it openly.
Kol hakavode to Dr. Pelcovitz, Rabbi Levi Kaplan and Mrs. Miriam Swerdlov.
Ed Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.
clinical psychologist
Monsey NY
On the surface, Hush is a now all too familiar tale – a young girl witnesses/experiences physical abuse, lacks the context and ability to deal with it as a child and then has to grapple with the impact it has on her as an adult. But there is much more here than the surface. For one, there is the voice. In the hands of Aishes Chayil, Gittel emerges as one of the most unique voices in children’s fiction in quite some time. She is both heartbreakingly naive and devastatingly aware, her sheltered innocence slowly giving away to something adult and… Read more »
They absolutely get credit- even if they are “just” renting their building. They are allowing their name to be associated with this event and that takes courage. Kol Hakavod- proud to be sending my children to their school- a school that will stand up for what’s right.
We need to be educated, we need to expose molestors and we need to applaud those that help us do it.
Someone I know was speaking to a Black man on Utica Avenue. He has worked at a Lubavitch girl’s camp for over 10 years. He said that the reason he and his friends can get a job at Jewish camps is that most of them do not do background checks on their workers.
REPORT WHO IS A MOLESTOR NOW TO THE COMMUNITY, AND DO IT ANNOYMOUSLY, DOL IT RIGHT HERE ON THIS WEBSITE, TELL SOMEBODY, TELL MRS. SWERDLOV, TELL SOMEONE WHO WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, YOU MUST, OR YOU WILL HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! AND IF YOU DONT I HOPE YOU ARE PUNISHED ONE DAY THAT YOUR CHILD IS ABUSED, SO U WILL LEARN YOUR LESSON! DONT BE A COWARD, g-D RUNS THE WORLD, YOULL GET ANOTHER JOB. I HOPE U CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT UNTIL U DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!!DO IT NOW! THE SICKOS ARE LURKING ALL AROUND!
That’s exactly what this lecture is about tonight. If you’re an insider, come out and tell everyone!!! why will you lose your job?? if a school fires you for you speaking out ,then this community is horrible. Plus by not coming out you’re aiding molesters.
My friend, we’re relating to each other and SHARING our experiences. By contributing, we are 1) validating and drawing MORE attention to a significant issue and 2) perhaps bringing up something for each other that we may not have considered or thought about before. Who knows who’s reading this, and just staying quiet? …Perhaps, someone who is afraid and doesn’t know what to do about abuse they’ve suffered or seen someone else suffer. This discussion opens the possibility for being a source of comfort or even offer the motivation and direction for the person to take the next step in… Read more »
Thank you for giving institutuional credibilty to the open discussion of this emotionally charged subject. Schools and parents must partner together to prevent the spread of this scourge in our communities. Bais Rivkah is showing frum communities everywhere how this can be done.
Bravo!!
The first step in stopping child abuse, is treating the children with respect! Parents, don’t demean the self esteem of your child by shouting at them and calling them names when they give you a hard time and you had a bad day. The same applies to teachers, don’t demean your students by berating them for not behaving properly, don’t get angry when they get noisy in class and start calling out names accompanied by insults and don’t punish and over-punish and triple-punish when a kid laughs over some silly thing, just because you got sooooo mad and you can’t… Read more »
someone I know was attacked by a disturbed bochur who was a guest in their home, the family followed the advice of the Beis Din not to prosecute but let them handle it, they of course had no legal means to enforce their posak, and the bochur wiggled out of it, to grow up to be who knows what. To not prosecute is a pathetic and misguided, misplaced rachmonus, the perpetrator must be punished ( and also be forced to get the fullest possible treatment and chance for rehabilitation.)
This article literally made me burst into tears. Tears for the sense of relief that we are acknowledging it as something that needs to be dealt with. PLEASE I PLEAD CAN SOMEONE STAND UP AND DO THE SAME WITHIN THE FRUM COMMUNITY IN LONDON?!?!?!?!?!? We seem to be behind in times and are still pushing it under the carpet, we are now all stumbling and falling over our over stuffed carpets, to the sacrifice of future frum generations. Can we bring these amazing people who are giving this talk to London?!? Any fellow Londoners who are either in a situation… Read more »
I can’t think of a more worthy event.
Let’s all stop the comments and speculation, and rather come hear what the expert, Dr. Pelkowitz, has to say.
i know when i grew up many years ago and i was in school, my mother would always give us a couple of words every now and then on what is and is not appropriate for anyone to do to us. And she would always end that if someone did something inaprpriate we should tell her straight away !!! this way the forum was always open. of course as a young child i didnt really understand what she really ment. BUT i knew that my body was mine and no one else should touch it. please let the schools have… Read more »
You are 100 percent correct, the Abuser’s must be exposed and persecuted to the full extent of the law. It is criminal to not do everything in your power to put them behind bars just because they are a Jew or you feel bad for the family, in fact chances are they are also abusing members of their own family. You must also assume that the abuser will molest children at any other school or position he works at. (I know of one such story) The problem is that in many cases the victim is not ready to testify against… Read more »
…we are openly speaking about these REAL issues! Thank you for the courage and thoughtfulness to present this. Keep contributing to our health. We go to a doctor for our PHYSICAL NEEDS, we seek HASHEM for our SPIRITUAL NEEDS… WHO are we going to for our EMOTIONAL/MENTAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS?? As a community and a people, we need to do a better job of addressing/openly discussing and REPAIRING our emotional needs. …Especially, since our EMOTIONAL HEALTH affects other people (helpless children, for example), not just us. On the matter of children – they need to be raised with SWEET emotions to set… Read more »
whats about children who are abuse or bullied in schools buy other kids or buy REBBI,S. i can go on but i dont know were to start and have the time to type a letter that may take hours to do. the kids dont speak for what may happen in return and talking to the school o well. p.s i go with what #7 says at the end of his comment. may hashem bless all those holy little souls.
Let’s all stop the comments and speculation, and let’s just come to the event where an expert in the field will educate us!
You make it sound as if molestation is only a problem in Lubavitch. You make it sound as if awareness will eliminate the problem. You are so wrong.
We have to fight child abuse but it is wishful thinking that there is some trick to “eliminating” it.
To all those praising Bais Rivkah – this event is not organized by Bais Rivkah, the hall has merely been rented for the talk.
Not really shocked, just terrified. Anyone who knows that this is going on has a duty to come forward. I understand the need not to lose your job, so call in anoymously if you have to, but if you see it happen and do nothing then you are allowing it to happen. Anyone who lays a dirty hand on my child had better hope the police get to them first.
Crown Heights is crawling with molesters. Abuse is generations deep and widespread. Only because of everyone (especially our leaders and askanim) and sweeping it under the rug and keeping perverts out of jail. Many parents do not even know what abuse really is – and it precisely those parents whose children are targeted… One moment, many lives. Ouch.
BTW, if the kids weren’t scared to talk, they would tell you: the “safe” homes are more dangerous than the schools…
Why wasn’t this better advertised?? Is it a secret, like the molestation…?
Parents if you want to protect your children you must be willing to put these send the perpetrators to jail!. So what the Rabbi was fired he’ll move to a different town and violate another innocent child and most likely his wife is very aware of this sick behavior and afraid to be alone. Rabbi Twerski writes a beautiful book ” a shame born in silence”. A must read.
BH! its about time.mrs. swerdlow is the best
Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Physical Abuse Any one sign doesn’t mean that a child was physically abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as: * During a divorce * Death of a family member or pet * Problems at school or with friends * Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent * Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation * Seems… Read more »
Both exist, but molestation by a Rebbi or boy(s) in school is hidden from parents, and can be hidden for many years or forever. Abuse at home is terrible but usually not a secret. The other Jewish communities in New York have long been educating about this, thank G-d we are finally catching on!
BAIS RIVKAH – WAY TO GO!!!
THANK YOU!!
I am an “insider” and will lose my job if I come forth, but want to bring to everyone’s attention that molestation in our Lubav yeshivas happened, is happening and will continue to happen if we don’t raise the awareness and finally do something about it. All of our kids are targets. The less you worry that it could be your own, the more probable it is. Kids from the “best” families are targeted because they are trusted to keep it secret. Nowadays there are plenty of psychologists and specialists walking around – ask any one of them about the… Read more »
what are the warning signs?
WOW. I am delighted that Bais Rivkah is arranging such a significant event. This info is critical for EVERYONE to know. Thank you Bais Rivkah for leading Crown Heights and showing the way to help our families. Chochmas noshim bonsa beisa!
You see all the articles about petty little fights that are going on in the community, this is so much more important.
Be there.
I found out 2 years ago that my son had been molested a few years before then by a teacher at his elementary school (in a lubavitch community) I can not describe to you emotion’s that I went through at that time, it was more overwhelming to me than when I received the news of my mothers sudden passing. My son had become very inverted and timid but never expecting that such a terrible thing could happen to my boy I assumed he was just going through a stage. I was so shocked and angry, I felt so bad for… Read more »