By Rabbi Simcha Backman, Glendale, California
As the Kinus HaShluchos concludes and Shluchos get ready to return home re-invigorated, inspired and motivated from five days spent with their fellow sisters from across the globe, we decided to give them a “behind the scenes” look at what their husband’s lives were like over the weekend.
The following is a compilation of first-hand experiences, email exchanges between Shluchim (reprinted with the original authors’ permission), text messages and phone calls.
The odyssey began last week.
It’s that time of the year again when Shluchos journey to New York from all over the world leaving thousands of their precious little children in the hands of their husbands. Across the globe Shluchim are faced with the daunting challenge of playing mommy for five very long days.
The tip-sharing, texting and information swapping on our internal forums begin on Wednesday morning for the unlucky few whose wives left on Tuesday. By Thursday however, we are all in the same sorry boat and the “home alone dad” conversation has reached full-throttle.
It seems that all our friends and congregants are thoroughly worried about my children’s fate since my wife left. I’m getting several calls per hour inquiring about them. I’m starting to wonder why there is so little confidence in my child rearing abilities. My neighbor’s wife checked in on us to make sure “we were OK.”
She seemed thoroughly shocked to see that we were all alive, breathing, dressed and well fed. OK, 3-year-old Leah only had one shoe on (I think she left the other one at Starbucks where we bonded over coffee) and 6-year-old Chana’s socks didn’t match.
But hey, I managed to get 9-year-old Mendel to take care of supper all by himself by telling him that “Mommy will be so proud of you” (and throwing in an extra flash pop and a ten pack of bubble gum).
Supper consisted of potato chips, onion rings, orange soda, chumus snack dip and on my insistence french fries — ensuring that at least one item on the menu was healthy. But my neighbor had no way of knowing all that — unless of course she took a look at their shirts.
A colleague of mine told me his wife called and asked how the kids are doing to which he responded “the kids… I thought they were all with you!”
Friday morning the magnitude of the challenge suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks. How am I supposed to make Shabbos? I call my wife and try to keep the tone of my voice calm, projecting confidence that everything is under control. Doesn’t work. She instantly senses my panic and assures me not to worry “just turn on all the fires on the oven and stove before you leave and Margarita will handle the rest.” Phew, what a relief!
At about 2pm I get a text from a fellow Shliach, “I can’t seem to remember my wife’s instructions – does the bisli go in the chulent and the bamba in the soup or is it the other way around? Does COLlive have any recipes?”
When I come home Friday afternoon I am greeted with the scent of Guatemalan cholent and gefilteh fish wafting through the house. Miracles of miracles, Margarita got it all done! I dutifully did my part by making sure there was enough herring and Crown Royal to sustain a small army.
We’re getting closer to licht bentchen and I get a call from a neighboring Shliach in distress “do I cover my eyes when I light the candles?” That’s a great question — I’m not sure what to say, but then quickly respond that it’s probably a good idea to do it so that the kids sense familiarity and some kind of normalcy. As it is, they seem to be slightly shell-shocked due to all the changes they are suddenly experiencing.
During the meal, when it came time to serve the gefilteh fish, I discover that Margarita seasoned it perfectly, but inexplicably didn’t cook it. Can you blame her? This must be the oddest dish she’s ever seen — let alone attempted to prepare.
4am I am awakened by the 3 year-old who complains that she can’t find the lollypop she went to sleep with and she’s insisting that I get her another one. I’m thinking what would Mommy do — then it occurs to me that the child would never dare ask my wife for a lollypop at 6pm let alone 4am. What am I doing wrong? I knew I should have stopped with the diet coke in the sipee cup.
It’s time to go to Shul and I am seriously considering reciting the hagomel by my aliyah thanking the one above that we have made it this far.
A fellow Shliach in Florida (who wants to remain anonymous) relates what happened to him on Shabbos morning: Most of us Shluchim serve as the rabbi, gabbai, president and custodian in our Chabad Houses and don’t have sisterhood volunteer kiddush setter uppers. So, with the Shlucha out of town it’s either you or your kids who are going to set up the Kiddush.
We all know that when it comes to presentation women and men see things a “bit” differently. For example, we regularly get the “how can you possibly serve that on Styrofoam?” admonition. If there aren’t 50 pieces of gefilte fish it’s staying in the fridge! This week, it was the 9-year old son who set up the kiddush while I was busy with chazzan/gabbai distractions.
I was in suspense the whole kriah and mussaf. “What in the world will this affair look like?” Will these people come back? Did he wash his hands? Will they contract SARS? Did he use the forbidden Styrofoam? I davened musaf with extra kavana.
Finally, after the last kaddish we all went to the unknown zone. I could’ve stolen second base in the major leagues with how fast I ran.
This is what I found:
1. Cold chicken still in the tray, with a plastic fork stuck in one of them.
2. A jar of gefilte fish with one piece left.
3. A box of crackers with a container of chumus resting on it.
4. Powerade and Snapple.
5. 7 bowls of potato chips.
6. A plate of hard boiled eggs in their shells.
7. A fruit platter = Whole apples and oranges and 3 leftover figs from last week.
8. A jar of peanut butter and jelly.
9. A birthday cake from the freezer. (Since October…)
10. 14 bottles of soda.
I looked at everyone for reaction. They all knew who set it up. I was breaking into a cold sweat.
Will someone tell my wife next week? Did we fail the kiddush test? Suddenly, there was a spontaneous round of applause. They loved it. By the time the last person went home… everything had been devoured.
He continues: By Sunday morning we are all more than ready for the grand homecoming of our wives and mothers. And then, to our horror, due to the inclement weather it seem that the Kinus has been extended for another week.
Authorities are now scrambling to make another flea market, general workshop and banquet.
You must re-register and send a new picture of your spouse (wearing a winter coat and holding a shovel.) Don’t you love the picture thing? Did anybody even look at these pictures? We, Shluchim, sent any picture of ourselves…whichever one was on the computer. Even if it’s a photo in a potato eating contest.
Shluchos? They needed 10gb of camera space until they got the perfect ‘shot’ to upload! It takes them 6 1/2 hours to do the registration. And THEN they have to sit near their best friend and still change tables record-setting times… I think they spend more time finding a table then selecting a spouse!
According to sources, on Wednesday there will be a snowman building session on Winthrop and Troy (right where I picked up a few shidduch dates).
Shluchim have been asked to kindly use this unexpected time to put away the soda cans, Barbecue and wiffle-balls — and begin cleaning the house for Pesach.
Back in Los Angeles: This afternoon, after winging it on their own for the past few days, several Shluchim in Los Angeles decided to get together give our kids at least one wholesome meal before Mommy comes back home.
So, we gathered at Rabbi Nachman Abend‘s home in North Hollywood where he put out an amazing, wholesome and nourishing spread of hot-dogs, canned beans and corn, diet orange soda, barbecued chicken and of course the necessary dose of candy. I actually saw a kid decline the sour-sticks — I kid you not! Must have been an acute case of sugar overdose.
Well, the kids had a great time, the Shluchim got to swap war stories (some of which are in this article) and the rally and recitation of the 12 pesukim gave the kids a 20 minute break from the round-the-clock Uncle Moishy video marathons they were forced to endure (“but Totty we just watched that video — Chana, trust me you missed out some very important points — watch it again.”)
Apparently, several kids were left behind at Nachman’s house — but we’re confident that he will take good care of them until tomorrow afternoon when the Shluchos return home and discover the missing children.
Welcome home Shluchos — you were sorely missed and are now appreciated more so than ever (but don’t hold it against us)!
Please support this organization which helps Shluchim’s day-to-day family needs: The Shluchim Fund
Way to go Shluchim! Well done, not just on surving but brilliantly surviving.
Dont belittle yourselves- you all did great. Wives should be proud of you!
I havnt laughed so much for ages, brilliantly written.
bet you all really had a great time and whats more inportant than that!
Hinda Schryber. jerusalem, Israel.
Thank you Simcha Backman for all that you do for Shluchim and Shluchos across the world – ShluchimExchange, Beis Medrash L’Shluchim, Shluchos Learning Center, Kinus, etc. etc. It is all greatly appreciated! And, thanks for sharing this great article giving everyone (including ourselves and our wives) a good laugh! You’re always there for us — thank you!
A fellow Shliach.
the best article ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thtas how bbq chicken loooks like
Sim, nice to put it all in, for all of us to read. We could use more articles like this for a good laugh!!!!
ditto to #8
Sooo true, the 6 and a half hours to register, the picture upload and of course choosing a table!!!!!!!!!!!!! You hit it on the button. Yasher koach!
but, what about those of us who don’t have the Margarita and stayed up cooking till 4am Wednesday so we could leave on thursday, not to mention the endless checklists and preparation. BUT, it was worth it! and wonderful to come home to a happy family, even if the beds weren’t made.
The kinus was a fantastic invention for so many reasons!!!! Thank you to all those who organized it! Looking forward to next year.
“just turn on all the fires on the oven and stove before you leave and Margarita will handle the rest.”
a moments thought for the shluchim left without a Margarita and their wives who have no margarita
rabbi , was i not suprised to see that you arranged this bar beque and rally? these things are common for you. Other shluchim thats who i want to see it from. not from the people who are always doing them
Ha ha! That was hilarious! Same exact story here! 😉
Thanx guys – we know we can depend on U and we know U’ll appreciate us that much more when we get back – rejuvernated and ready to continue…
The Abend kids look soo cute! Go Rabbi Nachman for organizing this and great article!!!
thank you that was cute
comment on other comments
i’m sure husband thanked their wives and wives thanked their husbands. the point is there is a knew perspective; appreciation for the wife and that kids and husband can survive on chips and mismatch socks.
ha ha!! 🙂 we know what your talking bout 🙂
my mother went away for kinus hashluichos – and ppl could barely get thru the front door! its was a MESS
You shluchim look like you are just a bunch of fun
what a messege
hard working under paid blessed with children and having fun
now i see its not your talent its your “soul devotion”
Didn’t see any mis matches – did you photoshop the odd socks??? LOL great job, fellows- you all do a gr8 job all year long!!!!!!!
well done sluchim and welcome home shluchos!!
i love the pix b/c they really illustrate the love between shluchim and their fellows. go shluchim kids and thier dads!!! go shluchim fo the rebbe world wide!!!! we love u!!!
sooooooo funny! loved it!
go tattys u can do it!
this was so funny…I AM ROTF!!!!
thanks for posting!
looks hilarious!! nice try men!! but wat about wen u run away to??? and btw the chicken or wtvr looks abit burnt!!
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with… Read more »
How very nice of the Abends to host and arrange this event!
has anyone noticed the ties shluchim show up with at the kinus…
and that every man listening to the keynote speaker is thinking i can do a better job…
probably the shluchos spend 6 hours finding a picture becuase most of the pictures are of their husbands taken by thier better halfs…
but anyways!
we here had one good laugh
it think it was so great because of its authenticity
anywats, thanks!
Yasher koiach, Simcha! Reminds me of the old days in Moscow, especially the Crown Royal and herring. Yitzchok, Dnepr
this was the most entertaining thing i’ve ever read on this site!!! you should post more!!
Please donate on that link at the end of the comedy. the shluchim fund is amazing. There are so many shluchim who need help. Pesach is coming up. Please give something. Evry bit counts.
Thank you Eli and all those who generously give to the fund.
Stop depending on your wifes so much and just imagine she is still away and the reward will be great.
supper served at 5 pm! keep up the good work!
Judging by the pics, these fathers/husbands didn’t do so bad after all… It can always be worst…. Great article!
they must’v had goooood supper!!!!!!
we were cracking up
Best story I’ve read in a long time….so funny yet so true!!! Welcome home Mommies…..the secretaries missed you!!
loved the article! was deff a great laugh:D!!
laughing so hard..
so true!
WE SHOULD HAVE MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS!!!
OK, so I am reading this article and laughing, as I remember, two years ago, walking into the pizza world on fairfax, and seeing the Baitelman MEN contingent of California Shluchim and all their kids sitting and having pizza,, I wanted to take a pic,, and the guys said no,, I thought it would humor the wives to see how well taken care of the kids looked,, (ALL SOCKS WERE MATCHING!!) and here we are two years later listening to some more of the same!! Well done men!! Well done kids for putting up with your fathers!!!
so what did the kids do, while all the guys watched the SuperBowl at the party?? 🙂
are just too funny!1
Go Chayale Shpigelman & Mushki Hilel !!!
Nachmans the Best
Lol!!! Especially the part about the picture and having to seat next to their best friend and then changing tables 100 times!! so true!
welcome 2 a mommies life!!!
we dont love anyone as much as you… and when your away from us we’re starved! oh mommmys we love you!
looks like you guys and kids had a great time, so healthy for you all!! how about enjoying it more often and give the shluchos a day off more often!!
BH
In between writing these side splitting articles (for those who did not find it hysterical, PPPPUUULLEEEEEASE!), Eli also has organized the fund whose link is at the end of the article for some Shluchim who are, unfortunately, in dire straits, financially.
You can help! Even $18 is appreciated. Please give $2 for every time Eli made you smile and bring a smile to a Shliach in need.
Thanks.
Moshiach Now!
you know what’s the funniest part? the shabbos candles and plastic still on the table..Sunday evening! love it!!
So I did too!
i am a dad and i am laughing. its so funny. veryy well written and very witty. ladies its true we really do appreciate all the little things you do for us
goo nachman!!!!!
Hear hear!!
I heartily agree!!!! (with 27!!)
I think this is the first time that aCOL article got soooooooo many positive comments!! Except for those 1 or 2, everyone enjoyed it all alot and had something good to say !!! What a welcome change!! LONG may it last! Pleasure to read it all!!
was good for a laugh!
very well written i rally craked up quite a few times. btw so true!
you guys really look like you are struggling! BBQ? nice.
thanks for the laughs
good to see you !!!
Looking Good !!!
don’t be so sure.
what a great article! great to laugh except for the spoiler comments. makes me def appreciate my husband who takes care of the clan so well when i’m away.
i think that these are the type’s of stories col should be publishing.
Great it was so funny
Dose all husband makes fun of there wifes?
well done
Yay Spritzers!!!
at the end of the day, shluchim are people too….kol hakavod to all the shluchim and shluchos!!
good morning! (unless you live in russia and never heard of starbucks)
Go California Shluchim!
gives a whole new perspective to a mother/wife/shlucha’s work!
thanks!!
is starbucks kosher?
fantastic article, really had a good laugh. as they say “Jokes are funny ways of saying serious things”
Hilerious
the humor in the article was great!
No.4. . give us a break!!!!!!! This is all being written in total jest!! Its GOOOOOD to laugh now n then, very healthy too, and everyone knows how much the Shluchim appreciate their wives, BIG time!! So have a laugh. . its good for you!!
So funny and oh so true.. BTW.. impressed that the kids all look clean and are wearing clothes that match!! kol hakavod.. thank you for sending your wives,, they really enriched our CH atmosphere this shabbos..
the pics are great! you guys all survived, B”H! IY”H next year in yerushalayim with The Rebbe!
loved it
you shouild compile a book!!
nice article.
when your wife comes home, she will thank you. now instead of her thanking you, you should be thanking her. look how much she has been doing the whole year. Take this as a time to thank her, and show your appreciation for everything she juggles the whole year!
Hatzlacha
I don’t think its nice to make fun of the shulchas in the convention because when its the men’s turn they are all after a lchaim to care what table they want to sit in.
LOVED YOUR ARTICLE!!! SUCH A GOOD LAUGH!! 🙂
WE ALL JUST CRACKED UP OVER IT!!!! 🙂
GOOOO ALL TATTY”S!!!! POWER TO YOU ALL!!! 🙂
KOL HAKAVOD AND THANK YOU!!!!! 🙂
Im sure everyone survived just fine….
well written- and funny!